Demotivated

I spent today at a Starbucks Coffee shop on Victoria Street, in the middle of Bristol's buzzing city centre. I would have been more excited, had I not been sitting there freaking the fuck out about my job situation.




Life at the moment has me pretty bleak, and I'm not much fun to talk to. I can't help but be cynical after all the lies I've had to paddle through in the past month.

Today is one exact month that I landed in Bristol, and I find myself wishing I had done things differently. I am filled with guilt and frustration and regret. I keep thinking that I should've seen the signs, but what signs? They hid it so well from me. How was I supposed to guess that the reason they never Skyped me together was because they cannot be in the same room without bickering? How was I supposed to know that 'being flexible' meant bending to the demands of an uncommunicative couple and an emotionally unstable woman?

I've been so fucking flexible my back is breaking.

I had no luck with the job hunts today. By the time the job would be finalised, my resignation handed in, and the move done, it would probably be March. I have an amazing job at an Italian summer camp starting in June, so I can't commit to anything longer than 3 months and a bit. Most agencies provide aupairs for 6 months or more only.

I got in touch with estate agents, but they can only offer me 6 month contracts. I can't even tell them if/when I will move out, and again there's no point signing a 6-month lease and wasting several months of rent. Not to mention the waste of money in buying duvets, towels and kitchenware. Apparently "fully furnished" still means I'd have to deck out most of the kitchen.

So it looks like I'm staying with this job. Last night I dreamt about my parents getting a divorce and my dad moving into a separate flat. The tension in this house permeates my mind and heart at all times.

I'm still sick, and still waiting for my chest xrays to come back to the doctor's office.  Green snot nogal.

Happy Things That Keep Me From Going Mental:

* I have an incredibly supportive boyfriend who sat at Starbucks with me the entire day <3
* We found a shop that sells South African goods - Niknaks and Ghostpuffs and Pronutro!!!!
*We found an Indian Takeaway place called "Spice Up Your Life" and it makes delicious vegan dishes. YUM.
*No matter what happens over the next 3 months, I know I have an amazing job lined up in Italy for the summer!
* If I can just keep myself out of the house as much as possible, from Saturday to Tuesday, maybe it will be easier to cope. It's just tricky because Bryan's landlady won't let me sleep there all the time. So I've got to do Sat-Sun there, then drive back to Backwell on Sunday night, go back to Bryan's on Monday, and drive back to Backwell on Tuesday. It's 15 miles each trip. Petrol costs loads. But that way, I only spend 3 days (and 5 nights) in that infected house. Minimum contact time with the angry couple.